It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
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Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
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Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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