let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
