I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
