I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
