im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
be right there i have to get my cape
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
