Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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