i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
she smelled like a LAN party
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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