Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
