There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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