Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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