he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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