bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
