One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
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