He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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