I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
