i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i out mim tonsoeep
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