Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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