Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They took my balls.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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