how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
