dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
