anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
