Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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