So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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