Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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