I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
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like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
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An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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