I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
