If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
