I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
