I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
