I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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