you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
