he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
