my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
