He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I think I sprained my soul last night
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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