This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
