Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
