Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
