broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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