matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
