We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
