Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We're too hungover to prance.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
