I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
