So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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