i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize