My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
