So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
