Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You pole danced in your parka.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
