and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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