There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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