Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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