At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
