Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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