a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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