He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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