I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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