Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I need help removing her.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
